Fuck me (not in the way you’re thinking)

Jun 15th entry:

I feel disgusting. Huge. Like a fucking unattractive blob.

This is going to sound like a stupid, unnecessary sob story but this is how I feel.

I’ve always weighed around 125-130lbs and as of late I weigh 145lbs .

I’m not used to this weight gain and it makes me feel like shit honestly.

Most of you are probably reading this thinking that I’m fine and that there are other problems in the world besides a girl complaining about a small amount of weight gain, but for me this issue is huge. All puns intended.

I’ve never really been insecure about my weight because I’ve always been pretty slim and always out of shape, but when my period started I put on some puberty pounds which made me around 130 on a regular day and 135-140 on a period day.

Ok. Whatever. That’s nothing.

…but this weight is not period weight, and this bloating is not going away after 3 days. This is my permanent body shape. Well, hopefully this is temporary but like I said, this is what I’m working with now.

I hate putting clothes on and having to change several times each morning because I look like I’m pregnant.

Trust me I’m not exaggerating. My belly looks as if it is preparing for a new life, and I’m not down with that.

It doesn’t help that I come from a West-Indian family so putting on a couple pounds is equivalent to having your aunts and uncles sign you up for “The Biggest Loser”. When I would come home from college on breaks I would be the laughing stock of the family for looking “big and boogaloo (fat)” .

Coming home from college was easy to deal with because I knew I was going back to school but now that I’m home for good it’s like I can’t escape it. My family members don’t really comment on my weight now anyways because I’ve gone bat shit crazy on them for it.

…but even though I’ve escaped outer judgement for the most part, the inner battle I have with myself is fucking me up.

As of late I’ve been having really bad eating schedules, thinking that if I eat once in the morning and once at night that I would shed some pounds. I fill the in between hours with water and tea and a peanut butter cracker or two here or there.

I’ve started taking a log of everything I eat everyday and at what time so I know what schedule I should keep my body on.

It may sound crazy but it makes sense.

By now you guys are probably like “ok but what work-out routines have you been doing?”….

None. Absolutely none. I hate working out and I hate how I feel “judged” when I decide to work out even in my home.

My brain is stupid, I know.

At this point I’m just babbling but every time I think about the weight I’ve gained I think about this boy I used to talk to and how he said to me “I’m glad you don’t have a belly”.

As simple as his comment was, it hurt like hell. I felt like I had to be on my best behavior to make sure that I stayed the same weight and always looked good.


July 24th entry:

Update:

I now weigh 150lbs from the time I originally started writing this post.

What makes no sense to me is that I’ve been working out a good 2-4 times a week at home and losing some serious calories…

Soooo what the fuck?

I know it’s a thing that muscles weigh more than fat but I would be ok with that if I actually saw some muscles or if I saw the fat shedding.

I know I need to have patience and “trust the process” but jeez.

This weekend I went to NY to visit my best friend and I was honestly getting frustrated because all the outfits I packed for the weekend just weren’t looking flattering on my body whatsoever !

Not to mention I packed like 3-4 “just in case” options, and those looked terrible too.

I honestly just don’t feel like this is a body I’m proud of at the moment.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Fuck me (not in the way you’re thinking)

  1. Oooo gurl! Let me tell you, I’ve been in the same boat, I’m in the same boat rn. It’s a process and I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that my body is going to change as I get older so even if I lose weight, I have to accept and love my body at any state it comes in (Easier said than done of course). The muscle weighing more than fat thing is very true but also if you’re not eating enough calories you’re body may go into starvation mode and hold onto the fat. Also taking pictures and measurements help with being able to tell if you’re making any progress cuz the scale can be discouraging as hell. This comment was all over the place lol but just wanted to let you know that I see you and I hear you girl! Keep pushing ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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