So folks, I left work early today because I had an anxiety attack.
Fun, fun, fun.
Having a normal anxiety attack is always a bag of laughs and giggles for me, but I was blessed enough to be able to suffer from 2 different types.
Whoopty fucking do.
One type of anxiety attack is triggered by me just being awesome, and comes in the form of me thinking I can’t breathe. The great thing about this attack is that usually before hand my heart beats 1000x a min and my hands get clammy because my body is preparing to fuck me over for the next 10-40 min.
During this type of anxiety attack you can find me wheezing, crying hysterically, and unable to think rationally, but that’s me on a normal Monday through Friday anyway.
Based on your familiarity with anxiety attacks or media portrayals of them, this sounds about right. Right?
The second type of anxiety attack I endure is the wild card attack; it has no precursor and no warning signs that can be easily identified as being directly linked to an attack. This anxiety attack sneaks up on you like your great aunt at cookouts; the one that pops out of nowhere to give you the wettest lipstick kiss of the century, which then leads you to die internally for the next couple of hours…or days.
Yup, that’s the old surprise-a-roo of these wild cards.
What happens to me is probably the most futuristic, Bill Nye science shit you’ve ever heard…..
I look like the black female version of Michael J. Fox with a little less hair, and a little more booty (I’m allowed to think highly of myself, screw you).
(BY NO MEANS AM I TRYING TO POKE FUN AT PEOPLE WITH SEIZURE DISORDERS OR PARKINSON’S DISEASE).
In all seriousness though, when these anxiety attacks happen I tend to have symptoms similar to that of someone with Parkinson’s disease. I have uncontrollable tremors that go hand in hand with my inability to speak due to extreme stuttering. My face muscles tense up and spazz out randomly, and sometimes my walking is even affected.
…and yup, you guessed it, THIS HAPPENED AT WORK.
Let me give you a little backstory. Lately, even though I’ve been getting at least 6hrs of sleep nightly, I feel really exhausted and on top of that I have tiny stressors just like every other 22yr old.
When I get to work and I’m tired/stressed, I’ll get some type of pick me up before work, whether it be a donut, juice, or any other type of sugar-filled substance that will give me a small boost of energy to keep me alive during the day.
Lately, I’ve been trying to use iced coffee as my pick me up so that at least if I’m going to feel half dead, my pupils will be big enough to prove to people that I’m “alert and focused” while I’m at work.
With that being said, my body has communication issues and instead of letting me know when I’m doing things it doesn’t like, and giving me time to fix my ways….
….my body gives me a 2 second warning and then screams a big fuck you.
This morning I got my breakfast from dunkins… Bacon, egg, and cheese on a plain bagel with hash browns, 2 doughnuts (for later, calm your titts) and a small iced coffee. Classic meal amirite ?!
Had the breakfast around 9 and had about 10 sips max of the coffee. The coffee was beginning to upset my stomach so I didn’t end up finishing it.
Around 1, I started to get an annoying headache, felt nauseous and lightheaded, and my right hand started twitching. I decided to go for a walk to the bathroom to change my scenery and get some air, thinking that maybe I was just getting q bit overwhelmed.
…Because my hand was twitching I knew something was wrong and that there was a possibility that I could be having a wild card anxiety attack, but I didn’t think much of it because I hadn’t had one in years.
As I walked to the bathroom my face started moving in ways that would symbolize a stroke, and I could feel the hallway spinning.
Time to jump ship hoe.
I immediately walked right to my boss’ office, and when she opened the door, my hands were shaking even more and the stuttering began.
As soon as my boss laid eyes on me she freaked out and was like “OMG ARE YOU OK?! SHOULD WE BE CALLING SOMEONE?! ARE YOU HAVING A SEIZURE ?!”
I appreciated her concern but I was hella chill, laughed, and said “can I talk to you ?”
I explained to her what was going on (it took my ass 5 fucking minutes to get a full 3 sentences out), she was super patient with me (she’s honestly the bomb.com), and sent me home with the quickness.
I honestly hate when I get like this because once people try to interact with me when I’m having an attack they treat me as if I’ve become a helpless soul that needs constant assistance, and it’s annoying as hell .
Not to mention, when people hear me talk and notice it takes 300 years to get words out, they start to speak to me as if I’m mentally incapable of understanding them.
My boss didn’t treat me like this at all but everyone else that saw me or heard me talk tried to interact with me like I was their mom’s previous China.
I hate people feeling any type of pity for me, or feeling as though they have to help me.
I’ll literally be in the middle of a crisis, someone can ask me if I need help, and I’ll be like…
In any case, my co-worker who treats me like her daughter offered to take me home because she felt uncomfortable with the thought of me driving.
Usually I leave my house keys in my car so there was no way to get in my house without someone being home.
First things first, I called up my sister. I figured that she would be understanding, treat me normally and just open the door for me when I got home.
Unfortunately she was at work and didn’t even pick up, so I had to call my parents.
Idk if I’ve written about it on here yet but I haven’t spoken to my parents for the last 3 weeks (it’s weird because we all live together), so naturally I wasn’t excited to call them to let them know I was in crisis mode.
I called my mom first because she always moves quick fast and in a hurry, and when she heard how I sounded she said:
” You need to calm down.”
Excuse me sir, I am calm.
I didn’t call her crying or hyperventilating so I was kinda taken aback by her response and how nonchalant she was about it. The tone of her voice was almost as if she was annoyed that this was happening to me again and that I should have control over these situations.
So womp for her. Big time.
While on the phone with my co-worker, so she didn’t have to spend 30 years listening to me form 1 fucking sentence, she told her that my dad will call back to let me know when he could get home to let me in.
Later, on the bus my dad calls to find out what’s going on and goes:
“What’s going on? I’m busy right now.”
Shoutout to my parents that confirmed my irrational ideas that they don’t care.
Idk what it was but the way both of them responded was as if they were completely over having to deal with my issues and having to care about my health because of my newly acclaimed “adultness”.
Maybe this is my mind over thinking everything as per usual but it didn’t feel nice to hear them talk to me as if they didn’t care.
This is yet another reason why I feel like I’m growing distant from them; they don’t understand that my anxiety/depression is apart of me and refuse to treat them like real things in my life.
In any case, this post was just to explain how much my life is in shambles, and that you are living golden compared to my shit storm of an existence.