Boys: Why in the entire fuck don’t ya’ll want me to be great?

I’m sorry ya’ll but this couldn’t wait till Saturday.

It seems like every time life is going well, skin is clearing up, stomach getting flatter and booty getting fatter, some ain’t shit motha-lova wants to come and waste my time!

I mean jeez! I’m cute, funny, and know how to work the long back my mama gave me, so why does it seem like all the wrong guys come my way?

If I know you like I think I do, right about now you’re looking for a back story, so here it is….

Due to my crippling anxiety, I suck at talking to/flirting with guys in person, so I tend to use dating apps. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t creep behind a screen and wait for my prey but in person my interactions go a little something like this…

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Let’s just say I don’t have such a great track record with the male species. Not to mention, whenever I do have enough balls to go for it and not fall flat on my face in embarrassment, the guys I go for always tend to want my lighter-skinned friend with the birthing hips and fatty, but that’s not the story I’m discussing today.

Ya’ll remember the dude I described as “tolerable”? Well tolerable man, this is your tape (corny ass 13 Reasons Why reference).

Long story short, I met this dude on a dating app and he wasn’t the dude I would typically go for. I tried to be as open as I could be because my family says I always pick the same guys and then self-sabotage. While I will not verify the truth of their beliefs, I can say that because of my fear of all the things that could go wrong, I may or may not pull away and make issues where there are none.

Again, we’re not talking about me doe. We’re talking about homeboy that got me fucked up.

At the beginning of our “situationship” I was very closed off and calculated about what I shared, and what parts of me I allowed him to think he knew. I don’t like the idea of putting time and effort into a person just for them to take off with a piece of my vulnerability.

After a while I got tired of having meaningless conversations so I opened up a bit more and pushed him to do the same, only to be met with resistance from his end. So now while I’m being open about my likes, dislikes, passions and kryponite, he’s keeping me at bay; telling me the same stories about all his crazy ex’s and how his father ain’t shit.

Yeah ok, I get that most dudes aren’t as open as females but even when I would push him to think outside of the box, just to get the wheels in his brain turning he would hit me with..

“Why do you always ask me intellectual questions thinking I know how to answer them?”

Mind you, the intellectual questions would be about whether or not life and death was all there is, or some other hippy-dippy shit I had on my mind; things to make him think, you know?

…but apparently it was something he wasn’t willing to entertain.

Other than that, our conversations would be very blah or they would make me feel uncomfortable because he would ask invasive things about my mental health and then invalidate my experiences.

From then I felt like I should have let him blow in the wind, and I even talked to him about how I felt that nothing was going to come of us, but a part of me kept hearing my sister in the back of my head saying “You didn’t even give him a chance“, and I felt that I should try harder.

Fast forward and my drunken self is on the phone telling him I wanted him to come to NY and do what he wanted with me. LAWD. After that, there was no going back.

Every conversation following that one drunken night was how he wanted to meet my sexy alter-ego “Mo Mo”.

Knowing me, I don’t back away from a chance to mess with people so I played with his mind a little bit. Sent him some pics of him of me on the beach and a couple of fun texts, but I always reminded him that nothing was going down unless we were committed to each other. I wasn’t about to let no smooth talking light skin boy get me out my drawers just because we were both feeling some type of way. Nah.

Anywho, he went on a trip and I went on mine, and while I was on my trip he mentioned that we were in an open relationship but I shouldn’t go messing around “with any random dude” but that if he missed me he would have one of his other girls take care of him.

Yes ya’ll. He thought.

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Even though he tried it, I wasn’t in my feelings because he was single and so was I so if he wanted to hoe around, I was gonna do the same damn thing.. but obviously I didn’t (wink wink).

So it all brings us to today, when Mr.Tolerable himself called.

In this tragic ass conversation he basically just kept talking about how I need to come see him so he can meet “Mo Mo”, and so I can put some lotion on the places he got mosquito bites, as well as the one place he didn’t.

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My response was a casual “boy, you so crazy” and a “anyway, what you up to”. To which he replied “Oh, so you must have gotten what you needed from some other guy last night, huh? Oh I get it. Who’s the guy? Did you meet him on (site where we met)?”

NEGRO, IF YOU DON’T STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS LIKE YOU OWN ME!!

When I tell ya’ll I looked at my phone like Ms.Nene up there…shoot. He really tried it.

I made sure I let him know that if I was going to do what I needed to do that I didn’t need to report to his ass, AND I reminded him that I was SINGLE so he needn’t worry about who my pum pum wah fi fren up (patois translation: who my vagina wants to be friends with).

At this point I was kinda like, wompppp. Why is homeboy so focused on what I’m doing? I never not once ask about his side dishes or where his penis takes a rest every now and again, so why the hell is he so pressed about me?

When we hung up and promised to talk later I thought to myself.. “Girl, he don’t want you! He wants to wham bam thank you ma’am!” So I decided to send him this wonderful piece of media …

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…to which he only replied with laugh emojis.

LADIES, I DUBBED HIM SO HARD. Bye Mr.Tolerable.

I realized that I didn’t need to settle for tolerable, for someone who constantly belittled my mental health, and wanted to put a tracker on my sexuality. I was worth more than that and deserved so much more than what he was willing to give me.

No I’m not mad at him, nor would I say that the situation was a waste of time because I learned that if a dude really wanted you to be his, he would make it known.

I’m open to games and FWB, but if I’m dropping hints that I want more, I refuse to push you to meet me.

I’m not desperate, and I sure as hell someone else will come along as easily as you did, so I’m straight.

…and if that means I have to wait for a bit, I’m cool with that too.

Ain’t nobody got time for you and your games.

Boy, bye.

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